Welcome to my thoughts.

Saturday, October 03, 2015

I just don't understand how parents can treat their own kids so coldly. Again issues with my in laws and I guess I just need to stop worrying about it and getting worked up because they won't change. We borrowed money from them, because we needed help, they say they are always there to help and support us, yet as soon as we get money they want it back right away. The tone changes and its more like a business transaction.

I come from a very loving, supportive, understanding family. We help each other any way we can, and don't expect anything in return. My parents struggled a lot when we were younger, and my grandparents always helped they never held it over their heads in anyway. But his parents do that, and I just don't get it.

I can't relate to them on any level, they are old school and think they are right always. Or play the victims. I am just over it, completely over it. And they asked for money when we sale the house because they've helped us out. Sorry but that's not happening.

On the other side of this, my brother in law still lives with us and can't pay us rent on time because he's too busy paying girls bills who don't even like him. What a loser. And my sister in law wrapped up in a relationship where the guy doesn't even respect nor care for her. So my in laws pay both their bills, and struggle because of it. Stupid. World War Three is about to start...Ugh rant over I guess.

Posted at 11:01 am by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Friday, August 21, 2015
Motherhood part 3.

Aliyah now doesn't have any regrowth from her RRP and things seem to be under control. Which is amazing, I never thought my child would have a rare disease. BUT it happened and we are dealing with it the best we can. It's been a roller coaster of a ride. Delilah is growing and learning, and just a ball of energy. Potty training has been hard but we are getting there.

so the big news, we are expecting AGAIN.. yes we are having baby number three, and my mind is blown. We always talked about two or three kids, and now it's happening. The pregnancy hasn't been as hard as the other two, but boy am I tired! So we shall see what develops!

Posted at 06:51 pm by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Thursday, May 07, 2015

Looking at past relationships I realize now that I had a lot to sort through and figure out. I don't know if going to college let me it explore that more, and sort through my issues or what. But I guess being in a different environment helped me snap out of it, or meeting someone, sean, snapped me out of it. At the time I didn't understand why someone would want to be with me and didn't feel worthy of a relationship. I wanted one, and wanted certain things out of it, but never got exactly what or how I wanted to be. Most of my relationships were when I was in high school, in college I only had one almost relationship the rest were just hook ups or talking. So I didn't really know how to have an adult relationship until Sean came along. I can be thankful he taught me that. We were not in an "official" relationship I found out what adult could be.

The reason I sabotaged relationships, was because I never felt good enough or worthy of love. It wasn't until I was older that I realized being sexually abused really messed with my self worth. Besides being depressed and going through puberty, I was a mess. I just couldn't understand why someone would love me. Certain touch I didn't like, at first sex was something I used to get what I wanted and something I could control. I didn't understand all the emotions that actually went into it.

Then I met mike and all those worries fell away, I almost fell back into sabotaging the relationship but mike stayed around and showed me what love really can be and what an adult serious relationship could/would be.

now I am worthy of love.

Posted at 12:36 pm by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

I just need to vent right now.

I am not happy about life right now, I am really frustrated actually. The way I pictured my life has not come all the way true. I wanted to go to school get a degree, work at a museum or library. Start a family, have a husband that could provide, and not struggle like my parents at all. But I found myself in the same situation. Not being able to pay things, not being able to go places, always worrying about money and what we can or cannot afford. so many roadblocks in the way.. I have almost 30,000 in loan debt from school and nothing to show for it.

So again going back to school to figure out what I want to do, in order to provide for my family. If I could work part time or something that would work, but ugh finding something hasn't been as easy. I haven't worked full time since I was 19, and I haven't had an actual job since 2012. I've tried to apply for jobs 3-4 times and have yet to get any success. ugh ugh ugh.

vent done.

Posted at 08:53 pm by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Thursday, April 16, 2015
Life conclusions.

I haven't wrote in here in a very long time. There is so much I need to catch up on. But first I need to vent.

I ran across a few old journals, blogs and letters from ex’s in high school. I never realized how much of a mess I was until I re-read them. Back then I never fully understood how much being molested affected my everyday life until I read those entries/letters. I would instantly throw myself into relationships to fill that emptiness. I wanted to feel protected and loved but didn’t understand what love is or was. And when I was in those relationships I constantly found something to pick at, complaining about how I wasn’t good enough, why did they choose me, or I would cut myself over the little arguments. Or worse I would cheat on that person that I cared so much about. When that wasn’t enough I would self medicate with alcohol and drugs. I was so miserable and didn’t understand why, didn’t understand anything. I was never fully satisfied or happy. Every relationship I had in high school I wish I didn’t enter, because I truly put those guys through hell. That entire time I should of been focused on fixing myself.

It wasn’t until college that I started to figure that out. The first three and half years I worked through all those issues that I had. I focused on school and learning more about myself. Yes there was still drama and at times I was miserable but it was the best thing I ever did, moving away from everyone and learn on my own. In college I stopped self harm, I wasn’t drinking as much and only for fun not to self medicate and I was actually focused on building a life. I didn’t have one relationship until the very end when I finally had it together. That was when I could fully put myself in a relationship without my toxic issues. So every break up, every time it didn’t work out, it was meant to happen so something better would eventually fall into place. As cheesy and cliche as that sounds it is very true now that I have been through it. My mind has officially been blown!

So I finally came to the conclusion of each relationship I had. And now I know why it had to end or happened the way it did. So let's begin...Relationships:

1.Jason. He was just too nice and didn’t want to push the boundries with me. He treated me well, and I used the words I LOVE YOU so loosely without realizing what they meant. He was a good guy and really wanted only the best for me and not to rush things. I, as a selfish teenager, eventually got bored and moved on breaking his heart in the process.

2.Brandon. He was just as much as a mess as I was. Still dealing with the loss of his brother and trouble between his parents. We were both toxic to and for each other. Our relationship was full of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. We did care for each other but really needed to work on our personal issues. It ended because he realized it before I did that it just wasn’t going to work.

3.Micah. He was a buffer, someone I just had around to not be alone and that was very immature and heartless of me. I was very selfish, and I am sure I hurt him at the time. Wish I just stayed away from this altogether.

4.Matt. He honestly loved me and wanted to be that prince charming for me. But my issues were bigger than he could deal with. He always wanted me to snap out of it and realize my true potential, he used all his energy to make it work and to make me happy. After a year of this he just gave up, not that he wanted to, it was just not going anywhere and I didn’t see that and didn’t want to let go. I thank him all the time for all the crap we went through, he taught me that there are good guys out there I just needed to love myself before I could truly let someone in. I think he truly wanted to be friends because that's what we were before we went into a relationship, but the lines just kept getting blurred. We were each other's comfort and we always came back, that wasn't always the best idea, but eventually we learned to move on.

5.Destrey. Although we were never really in a relationship, we were heading in that direction. But like always my issues got in the way, and I don’t think he was ready to deal with complicated. Again, a great guy, I know now that he truly never wanted to hurt me our emotions just got the best of us. We were friends first before anything moved beyond that so we actually stayed good friends. He was always there to talk, protect, and keep it real which I appreciate so much. I wish we kept our friendship intact, but Distance just got in the way of friendship and I wish it hadn’t.

6.Sean. We were never in an official relationship. But boy did you tell me the truth. People that I loved could not get the message to me but only after a week of getting to know you, basically a stranger to me, you told me to knock it off or i’d be stuck in the same issues and self harm for the rest of my life. The way you delivered the message was with such disgust, and disapproval that I finally did listen. The rest of our time you had demons of your own that you needed to deal with before anything could get started. But I understand now the importance you had in my life.

each one of these relationships/friendships helped mold me and shape me into the person I am today so that I could be ready for a good relationship with my now husband. He's everything I've ever wanted and I needed to go through all this to finally be happy and be treated as a queen :)

Posted at 12:54 pm by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

my relationship has been pretty good, and happy so far.. but a lie started to change everything now all i do is worry if he's lying, worry if he's doing what he promised he'd never do.. it goes over and over in my head.. man.. this sucks.. what to do what to do.

Posted at 12:59 am by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Monday, September 14, 2009
missing people i shouldn't miss.

its crazy to think that just a few years ago. i had a different set of friends, different set of priorities and a different life. i miss people that i shouldn't people that didnt give a shit about me but made a huge impact on my life one way or another. i miss old friends, from back in high school that meant so much to me. and yet i dont speak to either of them today. back then i was drama filled and yet they still were there for me. but once the old me went away, they went away. the more i turned into a better me, they disapeared. im not gonna lie i miss the one person i shouldnt. the one person that i have history with, the one person for years off and on had problems with. it just sucks that we can no longer be friends, we can no longer have random conversations. i feel like a huge part of me is gone.. but a new part of me it being put together. i have an amazing boyfriend and he's now taking the spot thats been missing. ahh life. when will things ever change..

Posted at 12:13 am by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Sunday, September 06, 2009
love of my life.

its never been so hard to give the one you love a hug good bye. even though i am going to see him ina week or so. its the hardest thing i will ever have to do. i miss him all the time and think about him even more. weekends with him go by too fast.. and all i wanna do is hug him, hold him, kiss him, love him. i can't wait until i graduate and everything is done. because i wanna be with him.. forever & ever.

Posted at 10:18 pm by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009
to my future husband.

call me crazy but my heart is dedicated to mike. always will be i love him to death and i know we are going to get married. he's my best friend. <3

ever since i met you i knew this was it. from day one you had me laughing, smiling and having hope again. when my world around me was losing trust in love, you opened a new door and i was no longer afraid of what was to come. i loved how we could chat for hours, through emails, text messages, and phone calls. i never had a connection with someone instantly even though i was miles away at the time. i trusted you by day one, and that told me you were worth it. my head and my heart weren't saying different things, like hide he's bad for you, or GO AWAY. they were telling me Rhi go for it you have nothing to be afraid of. and never have i ever doubted my love for you, my decision to go head on, or how fast or slow we have taken things. you've become someone whos a part of my life. you never judged, never forced me to be someone i wasn't, or changed my life around for the worst. your the person i prayed to god that i would some day receive. and ever since i was a little girl i dreamed of finding my prince. and now i have him. your my best friend, other half, my everything...and the love of my life. we've been through so much together already i couldnt see myself with anyone else but you my prince charming. i will stand by you through thick and thin, bad and good, through the worst of times and best of times i will be there to give you a hug or pick you up when you are down. and thats a promise. i love you michael always and forever.

Posted at 11:48 pm by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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Monday, July 20, 2009
love you.

so everything has changed since the last time i wrote in here its been months. i was talking to a jackass literally.. mr bad boy was bullshit. he was just trying to get one thing and he always played games i just wanted attention.. and he wasnt good for me. so i had to get away.. went to long beach and utah to get my mind off of everything. in the end i met an amazing guy in the process, hes everything ive wanted and dreamt of. he's my best friend and he took over my heart. he has the key to my heart, and he always will. i love him to death and everything is falling into place. it really did take forever to get to this level and to find someone whos on my level but i love every minute of it. he's the best thing to ever walk into my life. and nothing or no one will ever get in between us because our love is strong. the whole matt situation isn't ever becoming between us, im learning new things, and doing it right this time. minus the lil bumps we had with jack drama everything is good. AND I LOVE THAT I CAN LOVE AND TRUST AGAIN. :)

Posted at 05:23 pm by XxSnOoK3mZxX
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